Spike:  The Owner's Guide And Maintenance Manual
by samshair
Summary: After tending to a large  suspicious?  fire at our Headquarters, we are back, posting these online so you don't have to go through the garbage bin you threw the manual out in last week.


Disclaimer. Spike, not mine. Everyone else, not mine. They are Joss Whedon's.

* * *

Spike: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated SPIKE unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your sexy vampire with a soul, chip, and or evil trigger, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

Basic Information:

Name: William the Bloody, Spike, Blondie Bear (not recc.)

Date Of Manufacture: 1880 (sired)

Place Of Manufacture: Hellmouth Creations, England division

Height: Around 6'1"

Weight: Unknown

Your SPIKE unit will come with the following accessories:

Two black shirts

Two pairs of shoes

One leather duster

Assorted weapons

When you first open your SPIKE unit, he may be angry at having been shoved in a box. Show him your home give him some blood and Wheetabix, maybe a bed…shower…

Programming:

Your SPIKE unit is passionate, and possibly evil, and can carry out the following functions:

Protection: After your unit's chip is downloaded, he'll always be aching for a good demon fight, so why not give him one? Send SPIKE out to clean up your street, so people can walk around at night again.

Date: Well, he might just be doing it to make someone else jealous, but the fact is you could be doing the same, successfully.

Poet: SPIKE's poetry may not have been appreciated back in the nineteenth century, but now-a-days, it's a perfect capturing of the 1800s style.

Fyarl Demon Translator: Don't know why, don't care. But it's always good to know if they want to tear you limb from limb, or have a cup of tea.

Your SPIKE unit comes with six different modes:

Evil

Moody

Friendly

Hero

Love

Ghost

Evil mode is default, but within three months of owning your unit, you won't have to sleep with a cross.

Moody mode is activated around the Scooby Gang, particularly XANDER. Your unit does not like spending time with the team, and will become cynical and grouchy around them.

Friendly mode is activated around units like BUFFY, FRED, or DAWN. He actually likes these people, and they play quite nicely. For the most part.

Hero mode is activated after your unit's chip. He will be willing to kill demons as a "part of the gang", and from there on out is fighting with the good guys. He even gets a soul. Fights with Buffy and Angel. He is also approached by a LINDSEY unit, who sends him out on hero-like missions as well.

Love mode is activated in different circumstances. Originally, around the DRUSILLA unit, then BUFFY. SPIKE is loyal when it comes to stuff like this, so if you notice love mode where you don't own either off the above units, be happy for yourself. Just remember: WE DO NOT CREATE LOVEBOTS. HE IS LIKELY TO BREAK YOUR HEART EVENTUALLY.

Relations with other units:

BUFFY SUMMERS: The two units have occasional spats and such, but if you need to leave them together for any reason, they shouldn't cause THAT MANY problems. Aside from the, y'know, either wanting to kill each other, or wanting to make love…

XANDER HARRIS: This unit usually pisses off your unit, so try not to room them together. Ever again.

WILLOW ROSENBERG: There is a silent understanding here. Nothing against. Unless BUFFY hates SPIKE at the time, in which case…

RUPERT GILES: The SPIKE and GILES units don't really have much in common, but would prefer to stay out of each other's way. Unless GILES is how to get to BUFFY, that is.

ANGEL: Rivals. Or at least, SPIKE thinks so. Like brothers, they can annoy each other to no ends, except that Angel is technically SPIKE's grandpa.

WINFRED BURKLE: This unit will try to help you unit whenever she can, using her scientific knowledge.

LINDSEY MACDONALD "DOYLE": This unit is a friend, but will occasionally annoy the SPIKE unit. If so, try to get your LINDSEY unit to stop bossing your SPIKE unit around. He's not a toy, you know...or wait...

HARMONY KENDALL: They dated. With any knowledge of HARMONY, you should know the circumstances of this relationship.

DRUSILLA: Depending on how long you've had your unit, the two will constantly argue, or go off and kill hobos together. DO NOT let them bring the hobos inside your house. They smell funny, and DRU will not clean up.

Cleaning: The SPIKE unit is fully capable of cleaning himself. Just don't try to help. Don't.

Energy: The SPIKE unit will appreciate a fully stocked fridge of pig's blood. Or human. Depending on your opinion.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: My SPIKE unit isn't killing anything. Is he depressed?

A: No. He's got a chip in his brain. Give him some demons. He can fight those.

Q: I don't like Passions, but SPIKE won't change the channel.

A: Don't get mad. It only makes it worse. Buy another TV, or disconnect your cable.

Q: My DRUSILLA unit moved out, and now SPIKE is hanging around my BUFFY unit. Can I get DRU back?

A: Nope, sorry. Try resetting SPIKE, and buying another DRUSILLA.

Q: I just moved my ANGEL unit from storage, and he has to stay in my SPIKE unit's room for a few days. But now SPIKE is smashing stuff in the living room, and I'm kinda scared.

A: Angel will have to sleep on the couch for a while. It's for your own safety.

Q: Okay. Here's the thing. SPIKE won't get out of my grandpa's wheelchair, and Grandpa is stuck on the couch. Grandpa's annoying, and I can't get rid of him until I get him back his lucky wheelchair, which SPIKE has.

A: SPIKE doesn't need the wheelchair anymore. Just dump him out of it and get your grandpa out of your house. No one likes the annoying old man.

Q: SPIKE is standing in the middle of my dining room table. Help?

A: Just leave him be. And if you want it to stop, accept any and all mysterious packages that end up on your doorstep.

Q: Spike went out to kill some thorn-y circle or whatever, and he hasn't come back. What do I do?

A: Our customers are REALLY dumb. *A-hem.* Honestly, we're not quite sure how to get him back. Just order a new one for now. Or enjoy the quiet.

Warranty: With proper care, the SPIKE unit should never die, unless an angry Slayer (Dana?) or other person stakes, burns, or beheads him. However, if you get annoyed with the British vamp, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within six months of purchase).


End file.
